Thursday, July 2, 2009


Today (Monday the 16th), I saw a woman who really came for medication from the clinic. She had four children in the lower 20’s but one (a twin) hung himself. The other twin boy and a third boy don’t know their mother is suffering, and the daughter came out of the house just to give the mother two dresses and said she had to go (mother did not go in the house). She had tightness in the chest with a possible infection. She professed to be suicidal (I didn’t believe her or let me say I don’t think she was going to really do it any time, she just would like to stop living), but she kept saying she wish she had the courage to kill herself. It was all somewhat sad. She had a faith in God at one time, but right now she has no idea where it’s at. We talked with her, took her details, prescribed and gave her medicine, made a plan of action for further hospitalization (somatic and psychiatric) and just to get some rest and meals.

But it’s a lot I guess. I’ve been studying about adoption lately in my abortion counseling certification process (I’m certified to do HIV/AIDS counseling and becoming certified for abortion counseling). I wanted to share two letters I came across. The topic has come a lot these days because in February abortion had been legal in the country for 12 years (much less time than some countries). That was very close to Valentine’s Day, so a lot of people thought about the connections and a few women who had abortions wrote letters. One is from a Christian woman, and I will look for the second to share next time because I can’t find it right now.

TO MY CHILDREN (from Christian Living Today magazine)
I guess this has taken a long time, twenty plus years. In my heart I feel you are a beautiful young man and young lady. Maybe you both have fair hair. How awesome it must be to be raised by your Heavenly Father. You must be the most exceptional young people.
Although we have never met in this world, I pray that we will meet and worship together for eternity. Since giving you both up in ways you should never have had to experience, you have never left my heart or thoughts. Your conceptions were not done through love, but abuse, and at the time of your removals I didn’t know your Heavenly Father like I know Him now.
I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but maybe you might understand if I explain a little of how it happened.
Your earthly father was a woman abuser and I got sucked into his web. I allowed many things to happen, which I should have stopped.
When I discovered you were there, my first born, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be excited and happy… When I shared about you with the man (father) he put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me and you.
I wanted to run away and have you, but he said he would search us out and cause so much trouble our lives wouldn’t be worth living.
I had to go home to my parents—your grandparents—knowing you were inside me, but not being able to share with them.
My second born, you were also conceived by my abuser. Again, I don’t expect you to forgive me, but maybe understand. You were on the way such a short time after your baby brother… I was so shocked. You should have been conceived in love, but I didn’t know what love was.
This time I couldn’t tell anyone about you, I kept you to myself, but I knew I couldn’t keep you—even if my heart was breaking. I let fear take over…
Please, please believe me, my children, that I love you and wish with all my heart that I knew you and that maybe, one day, I will.
I haven’t got much to tell you that is worth anything. You have a great brother and sister down here. They know about you and you are special in their hearts.
I know you’ll never see this letter, but I wish I knew you as you are now. What a great life you must be having with your Heavenly Father. He is the truth and the light and your sufficiency. It is a comforting thought to know you are with Him.
He has now forgiven me for what I’ve done to you both. I wish that I could forgive myself and I’m working on it. I want to be whole.
My darlings… what a wonderful Father you have. You know what—He’s my Daddy, too! I long to feel safe in His arms.
Please forgive me for failing you. I love you both. I guess you’ll never know that. I wish I could hold you both and tell you these things.
My heart’s love, Mummy xxx
In the same magazine I noticed Obama being criticized for his stance on abortion.
The interesting thing about abortion (whether the woman having the termination is pro-choice or pro-life) is that it has some adverse effect on the woman. I have asked people and friends who have had them and it’s the same. There is always some processing that must take place, something to come to terms with, to deal with. Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, an abortion is a loss, and it’s felt. For those who face and/or choose that option, motherhood is also a loss—a loss of freedom, aspirations, and the perfect life. Those who choose adoption (something my group here loves) can see it as a double loss—first the loss of self since you had the child and carried the baby to term and then the loss of the baby or the loss of being a good mother because you “gave up” or “gave away” your baby.

I’ve been lucky enough to even do some phone counseling where someone calls in and needs to speak to someone at that moment, not later at an appointment. I had my first one last week on Monday (30th of March). Counseling on the phone is a bit different than in person and the amount of quiet time (time where you don’t respond or say anything immediately) you allow (especially with someone in distress) is much different than in person. But she felt much better at the end of the conversation and probably didn’t realize that she made the decision to tell her partner and boss about a pregnancy. I just helped realize what she was already thinking and feeling.

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