DARKNESS

The reason I’m excited about my a capella group, is that, honestly, in the past year they’ve been one thing that has given me a lot of joy amid a lot of sadness. There’s a strong darkness that has had a grip of me for some time, and I have to actively work to keep it off or from controlling me.

And I’ve been very sad lately. Sometimes I can’t shake it. People always ask “what are you sad about?” There is so much to be sad that in many ways I’m continually sad while I’m continually happy. They co-exist (it is possible). I’ve been especially sad because I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with cancer. It was in the late stages, and she had to have an abdominoperineal resection, colostomy, and a hysterectomy. She’s infertile and must now consider adoption when she ever has time to reconsider kids again. And the colostomy, if you don’t know, is when they create a new exit for your poop through your lower abdomen. I was really sad to hear this and it has been gnawing at me and bothering me for a long time (some of those doubt questions that you will see below start creeping up).

Then another good friend is getting a divorce after 10 years in relationship (I think). When she told me I could do nothing but cry. I seriously just cried. I was so surprised because it was a deterioration that I did not witness. Either it was kept from being visible or it’s just because I’m far away from most people. Regardless, I was shocked. She told me love isn’t enough. I wondered what she meant by love.

One thing I’ve learned is that good things come and bad things come. Good events happen and bad events happen. When the bad comes, you’re not too bogged down because you know it will pass but, more than that, you understand that you have no understanding of what worse was avoided because of this bad or what lives it saved or what greater purpose can be pulled out of it. You learn to detach yourself from desire and control and want. So the bad doesn’t affect you as much (may still affect you), and when there is good, you simply enjoy it for what it’s worth while it’s there, knowing that it’s fleeting as well. Of course this deals with things beyond your control. And that makes life hard because people put their trust and faith (I have done this) in things beyond their control. Many times, outside of your control, that thing or person or concept can crash and you don’t have anything to hold on to. So we learn to enjoy the good when and while we have it, knowing that we not only lack control, but we don’t own it either. It’s made me not question the concept of human rights, but made me question the use of the term “rights” as the best way to represent the concept of human rights.