Different people have emailed me because they have heard of
various deaths that have happened. Please excuse me for not writing back to
people who emailed. A few of my friends lost their fathers, fathers who were
family friends, fathers who taught me, fathers who influenced me through their
children. One of them was Tim Bricker. I really liked him. He was my Sunday
School teacher for many years. He was a medical doctor, a cardiologist by day,
but on Sunday’s he was a walking encyclopedia of church history. I mean he
really could have been a Biblical scholar, professor of the New Testament, or a
religious historian. But more than that, I learned a huge amount from him as a
person.
He had an open door policy. And he always opened up his
home, not just for me to visit and stop by and hang out with his kids, but for
all the community kids to stop by and hang out. He had a pool and used it to
host us as often as he could. And I always remember that he was one of those
parents who didn’t just scuttle me off to hang out with his son and daughter,
but that he was actually interested in me as a person separate from his kids.
He’s one of those guys who allowed me to feel that I have many mothers and many
fathers. And he was one of them.
Finally, he was the first person outside of my (Nigerian)
culture who taught me that you can actually give without requiring anything in
return, without a debt being incurred by the receiver. He would just take us
randomly to hold class in a coffee shop (he looooved coffee) and buy it for
people. And he did this even when there was not a class. He’s taken me before
alone and bought me a drink and or a pastry. And he never expected me to pay
nor to pay back. I liked that. I think it rubbed off on me a bit.
Here’s to you, Tim.
And yes, besides multiple fathers of friends, I did have
another peer pass away. Again, please excuse me for not getting back but I’ll
answer que
stions here. In short, what was strange about the passing of this
friend was that it was new for me. Every death is new and unique because it is
a different person. In the past, I’ve had friends who have died due to illness,
some, sadly while I was away. I’ve had friends who have committed suicide. I
have never had a friend who was murdered, yet that happened to my classmate,
Greer.
Greer was in a different department and art area than me,
but we were the same class in school, so we definitely knew each other. Greer
was playful, fun, real, spontaneous, and beautiful. I think I always ended up
laughing when talking with her and another classmate of ours. She ended up
going to Louisiana for school while I went to Massachusetts. We lost touch
during that time.
However, I was super-lucky that in the process of organizing
our first high school reunion I got back in touch with her. And my, she really
blossomed. She had joined a sorority and, though she was the same Greer (stilly
silly and funny) she was even more beautiful as she was forging ahead in life.
Greer and I used to double date. I don’t know if people know
that, but in addition to seeing each other without people we were dating, we
have double dated before. I think those relationships were/are painful for both
of us. Whether by force or choice, we both got out of sub-optimal situations
and were working through it (or still working through it). Often times, it’s
like a restart and sometimes people can help you along. Other times people can
set you back. In the end though, she was doing it and making it and moving on.
Anyway, I could identify with that. We would have double dated more but I ended
up moving away and so Greer and I kept in touch intermittently via email or
Skype. And that’s how we checked in with each other.
I last tried to contact her at the end of last year and
beginning of this year but could not reach her for some reason. So I’m sorry
she didn’t even get my last messages or we didn’t talk again. So to the most
wonderfully trusty being I know, the girl with the crazy laugh, the one who
loves the 80’s (more than me-ha!), the woman who always made me feel short (she
would say it’s not hard), and the woman who is able to see beauty in all
peoples, I miss you, Greer!
I’ve been lucky to have students keep in touch with me over
the years. I have a number of students fall out of contact simply because I
don’t use Facebook much or we’re not connected yet on Facebook. But to the ones
who keep in touch, I’m grateful.
I was invited to a number of graduations so back in May, I
visited the States for a graduation tour from Iowa to Maryland to California.
It’s a really beautiful thing to live in a cold country with dark skies most
days wondering where spring is, and then to find yourself in the middle of
Spring in Iowa. Even if your eyes don’t realise your sinuses and allergies
certainly do. But it was so beautiful to see
the campus of Grinnell College in
Iowa and southern California in general. After all, “it never rains in Southern
California.”
Beyond the beautiful backdrop of colourfully shed leaves,
manicured grass, and swaying trees, I was most amazed to be invited. Imagine
seeing people you know as little children graduating from university. And they
introduce you not just as “my teacher,” but as “my mentor.” That “mentor” word
floored me, I had to take a moment. Some people actually think of me as their
mentor. In fact a few of my students are becoming teachers because of me. One
of my students is becoming a math teacher because of me even though she was an
Anthropology major. It was pretty incredible. I was really honoured.
I was also really cynical. There was such a strong sense of
mission and purpose in all the graduates. Every graduation event, whether it
was a concert or Class Day, commencement exercises or a tribute for
family—everything was filled with the sentiment that Grinnellians were going to
go out and change the world. Even though Grinnell is known for its strong
service ethos and the incredibly high percentage of graduates that join groups
like Peace Corps, I was just unimpressed.
Most of the time, I sat there wondering, “Do they know? Do
they even realise that 10 years from now, they will not have changed the world?
Do they realise that that is a big, tall order? Do they know you can have the
best laid plans and the biggest dreams and do everything right to get there and
love everyone along the way, but that it doesn’t only depend on you? Do they
know that people will fail them, disappoint them, give up on them, let them
down? Do they know the most committed among them won’t go the distance?” Do
they know.
I guess I was a bit jaded, somewhat. I’m so mission-driven
I’m happy to sacrifice other comforts for the cause. I remember asking someone
to help me on a project that I thought he (Ben-changing his name) was
super-passionate about. The only difficult is that circumstances didn’t allow
us to work optimally, so Ben and I would have to work through (and with) other
people. I was completely gutted when Ben declined. It was the way Ben wanted it
to work or not at all. I suppose that and other situations were just ringing
really strongly in my head when these kids who were graduating were telling me
how they were going to change the world. I knew they could change a person or a
family or a community but to change the world really depends on a bunch of
other people outside of their control. I was over it and was waiting for them
to get over it.
Then something happened that week. I don’t know if it was
good to take walks in nature and reflect. I don’t know if I was inspired by
their commencement speaker. I don’t know if it was just simply talking with
parents and seeing how much farther their children have gone. But I started
believing it again. I started drinking the Kool-aid, if you know the phrase.
Maybe you can do it.
Maybe you can change the world. But along the way, you may
have to get with the right people who can overlook creature comforts and
sacrifice a few things to do that. You may have to deal with setback and people
falling off from the vision because they are not as committed to it (commitment
always shows up in the end), or not as inspired by it. But maybe you can do it.
Still, maybe it has to be one person at a time. And maybe, just maybe, if other
people are changing other single persons at a time, maybe then it can change.
